The Big “D”

“Mark which applies to you: Single, Divorced, or Married”.

I simply wanted to go to the doctor. Yet, once again, was caught off guard and unprepared for the emotions this simple sentence would elicit. When you’re going through divorce, there are just some things that seem universally hard and universally surprising.

I remember literally drawing another box on the form in defiance. Next to the box I wrote “Left”, and I proudly checked it. Because honestly, none of the official boxes fit. Everywhere I went, I felt like I needed to explain myself: “I’m not the kind of person who gets divorced. I honor my commitments. I didn’t ask for this.” My ego had deflated like a flat tire, mostly because my husband didn’t want me anymore.

Until I went through it myself, I had no idea what people endured in divorce. Now I have overwhelming compassion for anyone navigating it. No wonder it’s ranked the second most stressful life event after the death of a spouse. And often, you get a two-for-one deal because moving, third on the list, tends to tag along. (Nothing like packing boxes of old wedding photos while sobbing into your tape dispenser.)

So “Left” felt like the most accurate option. I didn’t choose the divorce, and I sure didn’t choose to move. Checking “Divorced” seemed to imply I’d wanted it, and therefore I should be breezing around drinking martinis while swiping on dating apps. Meanwhile, I was over here trying to remember how to reset the Wi-Fi router.

But eventually, I came to embrace the big “D” box. Because it didn’t just mean divorced, it meant I had survived. I stopped carrying around the “shame” that is often felt with divorce.

I was a warrior, scarred but standing, and I knew I’d arrived back to myself when that “D” on my life report card wasn’t a failing grade at all but a badge of honor.

Reflections:

Life loves to hand us boxes to check, but sometimes none of them fit who we really are. Sometimes we have to make our own box, scribble in a new label, or just stop caring about the labels altogether.

What box have you been forced to check that doesn’t tell the whole story of you? And if you could draw your own box today, what would it say?